Jesus was a booze-drinker

Note: I’ve removed the picture that was bothering so many Christians. The post itself is a bit of light hearted fun around the idea that Jesus’s blood is wine. If that kind of humour offends you please find another site to read. Thanks!

I was thinking about Jesus. Probably because I come from a good Methodist background. Methodists are noted for their loud hymn singing and abstinence from alcohol. They’re probably the only church that serves Ribena instead of communion wine.

I’ll admit I’ve pretty much turned my back on my Sunday School upbringing, but after a few drinks last night, I got to thinking about Jesus. And singing hymns loudly, but let’s not talk about that…

You know the Blood of Christ is supposed to be red wine? Well, you have to wonder what sort of drink problem Jesus had for his holy blood to be 14% alcohol by volume. We know he must have liked a glass or two, and was noted for that god given magic that could turn plain water into plonk. That’s quite a handy party trick. Is it any wonder his disciples hung around? Life was probably one long party with Jesus handing out free drinks. If he ever ran out he just had to snap his fingers to summon more from Dad, the holy wine waiter in the sky.

The bible doesn’t go into much detail about Jesus’ drinking, but we can read between the lines. The parables? Boozed up tall stories. Getting into trouble with the authorities? Hardly surprising. He just unlucky that in the first few years AD this meant crucifixion rather than getting an ASBO. Then there’s feeding the 5000. Quite a miracle… But this miraculous tale gains more power when we consider Jesus as a drinker. We know  Jesus wasn’t the type to offer a meal without a glass of something. Consider the untold story of the bottles Jesus conjured up with the 5 loaves and 2 fishes. I feel a true sense of awe as I wonder, red or white?

It’s quite likely that with his drink problem Jesus had Cirrhosis of the liver, and, when you think about the parable of the foolish virgins and the budding fig tree, we can speculate that there might have been a touch of alcohol related dementia. We can be sure that Jesus was truly blessed because if he hadn’t ended it on the cross he was probably due for a painful death from Hepatitis C.

Is it really any wonder Jesus was an alcy with his upbringing? There’s strong evidence his mother liked a tipple too. Virgin birth? Consider this alternative interpretation - too drunk to remember that one night stand that got her knocked up.

The resurrection? Alcohol related hallucinations from his wino followers. Either this or Jesus’ body was so pickled from the booze that it didn’t rot in the Judean sun. So amazed were Mary and the rest of the women when they saw his well-preserved body they didn’t think he was dead at all. When Jesus finally ascended into heaven I’d imagine he’d go up something like a flame on some flambéed French pancake. It’s even possible one of the gospel writers lit an oil lamp a bit too close and set him off. They couldn’t write that bit in the bible.

So you see, all this has made me consider that the Methodist might have it right. The Methodists learn the biblical truth that booze drinking only ever causes trouble. Consider this,  Jesus was dead on the cross by the age of 33. If he’d stuck to the Ribena he could have lived to a ripe old age without ever getting into any trouble. Ironically, this would have left the Methodist with no hymns to sing loudly on a Sunday.